she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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