Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize