I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
