My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
