she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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