Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
