Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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