I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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