so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
