I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
