Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
