Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
