so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
