I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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