Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
you made out with another girl for some wings
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
