so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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