Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
