She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
did i walk over a car last night?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
