So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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