Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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