Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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