I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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