I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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