literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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