I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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