This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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