Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
