He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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