I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
