theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
