She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
