The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
