is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
