I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
