Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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