i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
