listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
