Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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