I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I did not marry a roomba.
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