I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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