i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
