I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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