how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize