Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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