what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
