there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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