Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
