so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
