Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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