Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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