what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
