I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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