did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
