her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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