You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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