my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
